Friday, September 27, 2013

Looking for a Lift

Flowers I buy for myself.
I don't feel like blogging; I've had a difficult time lately. Girlfriends letting me down and not finding anyone to attend events with me. I was given tickets to the golf championship at East Lake, I had an extra ticket to a play, and I have a second ticket to the ballet tomorrow. No takers. Makes me feel mighty unpopular and just a hint (understatement) lonely. 
Vintage sewing machine I took to Goodwill.
My husband used to follow me around like a puppy, so I at least had an escort. I understand people have their own lives to live and their own habits; I certainly did while he was alive. 
Cobwebs in my brain and yard.
Watching the Georgia Bulldogs football games alone is not fun. I tryed having dinner at a bar so I could watch a game, but when the other bar flys noticed I was drinking water they seemed a little wary of talking to me. I just wanted company for watching the game: nothing else. Really I am not that much of a football fan, so it is not much loss if I don't turn the TV on or try to find a public venue for watching unless I bring my own friend.
Peaceful companion Joey.
I forget things. A friend at work invited me to the Cotton Pickers Festival in Gay, Georgia. I just called him to see when to meet at the school to drive down there. He reminded me it is next week. So now I am free to do something else tomorrow. Perhaps I will work out (I've been doing real well with swimming and Zumba), or catch up on episodes of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo or Quilting Arts. Serious single-girl fun right (she said sarcastically)?
My Lilly Pulitzer Round-the-World quilt.
Okay, I whined enough. I am attractive, educated, fit and creative. Anyone would be lucky to spend time with me. I just want to be careful. I enjoy my private time and I don't want a clingy friend, nor the wrong kind of attention from men. Honestly, right now I could sock an ill-intentioned man in the face or choke him out (3-5 seconds;  I swear, I've done it before).
Label and back of Lilly quilt above.
I have 5 quilts waiting on binding. I just cut orange binding for a quilt I am making as a surprise. I'll post a photo when I get it finished.
Eron and Meredith Sunshine and the quilt Mom, Linda Brannock, made for them.
Eron and Meredith and my parents share a wedding anniversary. It was the kid's first and my parent's 55th. I managed to forget about both. Talk about feeling like a heel. Aren't the kids (above) just lovely? What do you do to make up for that????
Top right-hand checker block is turned wrong; I've got to fix that.
I started this heart quilt as a gift, but I don't know about that now. I am tired, and I keep starting projects (all types), getting frustrated and upset. I cry too much. I have a grief support group meeting tomorrow (not tomorrow-SUNDAY at 4:00-try to remember this time). It is good for me, but I missed last week's meeting. I was shopping after church and lost track of time. 

Church was no fun last Sunday. The minister imitated the shaking of a Parkinson's patient to illustrate a point about a sick man, and, since my husband shook uncontrollably until he died, and later we found out he had Parkinson's perhaps for as long as three years, I tried not to cry, but ended up leaving in tears. 

I know it will get better. Along with the depressed time, I also have  good times. Most of those involve buying shoes though. I've lost weight, so I can wear heels again. I have thrown out lots of my old clothes and I need a new suit to wear to a meeting on Monday. I guess that means I will make a trip to the Mall again soon.

Oh, and also on my bucket list is a trip to the beach. I need to walk on sand and play in water. Or will that make me too sad?????

11 comments:

Libby said...

Oh Karmen! Don't despair, things really will look up. The flowers are beautiful - look at them often through the day and let them bring a cheerful smile to your face no matter who paid for them that's what they are there for.
It's good to hear that you are enjoying exercise - it really is good for the body and the soul, too. And shoe shopping, well that really brings out the happiest of endorphins . . . go for it!
I am many miles away, but I'm happy to chat. The miles are far, but I am but a keyboard away.

Nancy, Near Philadelphia said...

I wonder if your church has a Stephen Ministry program, or if a nearby church has one. A Stephen Minister would be very helpful to you right now.

WoolenSails said...

I am sorry to hear that you have been going through a tough time and I hope you can find some friends to share time with. I am the same way, I like a friend sometimes but I like my quiet time too.

I love to go for walks outside and to the beach, it always picks up my mood.

Debbie

oldgreymare said...

Even close friends get weird after a friend loses a spouse or even after a divorce. People feel awkward and uncomfortable and often feel you desire solitude. People are afraid of saying the wrong thing....and often do. I would select one or two close friends you wish to be around and have an honest chat with them about how you are feeling. That you desire their company- that you will have bad days and that's OK- Stating to them exactly where your state of mind is right now will go a long way to easing the situation. I was given the advice from a friend who had a divorce AND lost the same spouse
shortly after. I took the advice and things returned
pretty close to normal- well with them any way....

I also sought out and made new friends... Folks who never knew the pre- divorce me.

Muddling Through said...

Oh, Karmen, it's just not fun. But it will get better. It's normal to be sad, to spend a time in grieving. Nothing seems right or feels right. And no one seems to be helping you. My faith in Jesus has been a very strong support for me when there seemed to be no help anywhere else, and then, too, friends helped just by being there and saying something funny. Maybe you'd feel better if you could help someone else. There is always someone in a worse spot than you are. I'm praying for you. You are a lot stronger than you think.

Kris said...

Oh Karmen, my heart is breaking for you. I cannot even imagine what you are feeling. I think that keeping busy is very good. But then again, we all grieve differently. Take the time you need, when you need it. I will certainly be praying for you to find some comfort and peace in every day, if even for a few minutes.
I wish you lived near me too. I would love to spend some time with you.
Hugs,
Kris

joanne said...

I think that for awhile at least that everything you do will be bittersweet. Losing a spouse is like losing a limb...leaves a big empty space. I hope your friends come around, they are probably afraid to talk about him thinking that you don't want to when you probably would love to do that. Wish we lived closer.
My hubs was diagnosed with Parkinsons about a year ago but has had it at least five years and I would have been very offended to see a Pastor mimicking that. Just wrong on all accounts.
If you need to 'talk' 'rant' or any of the above you can e-mail me your phone and I will be there anytime. take care Karmen.

O'Quilts said...

Sending hugs from Charlotte

Karmen Sunshine said...

All of you are so nice to write to me. I appreciate your concern and encouragement. I will be okay.
Karmen

Anonymous said...

I would just like to ditto the previous comments. I have been thinking about you. Take care and know that you are not alone. Maybe try another church. Not that you need to transfer, but you can go to others. Notice the other ladies that are sitting alone, reach out to them.

Monica said...

Well if a walk on the beach is what you're wanting then get your buns down here to south Florida and you can walk along the beach right by my house!

Hang in there. It's got to get better sooner or later. I know for a friend of mine that lost her husband two years ago, it was a slow process but a steady one. Crossing my fingers for you that things look up soon. *hugs*